Uncertainities

I would never have imagined that I would be here in next 4-5 years in the past. And it is certainly incomprehensible that where I would be in next 5 years. That’s the thing about me, I never had a plan. And I don’t think I would ever make one in the future too. Yes the idea of having a plan or long term goal is tempting and admirable. But I don’t think I can ever go by a plan. A slightest shift in the mood or atmosphere of the room leads to change in my choices! I can choose to do most random and unnecessary things if I feel like doing them. As long as I am happy. Even while writing this I am weighed down by the idea of how privileged I am. I don’t have to live through the uncertainty of having food on the table for next meal, or I don’t have worry about paying rent or bills. Luckily enough there are people around me to keep me safe and secure. And plan for my basic necessities.

Apart from these, there are things that make me anxious sometimes. Like would I be at a better place or am I living the happiest moments of my life right now. Is life always going to be this favourable to me or would I have to endure the pain that I can’t even imagine yet. Yeah I have my fair share of hardships and sometimes I may cry a bucket because of them but deep down I know how minuscule my problems are. I haven’t seen much of this world but sometimes I can’t even understand how people carry so much strength in their hearts to carry those heavy burdens that life brings along. Maybe I will become like them someday and lose my sensitivity in order to carry on with life. Sometimes this thought is enough to make me anxious. That I may change and stop feeling those smallest feelings of happiness, anger, sadness or warmth that radiates out of nice people.

It would be ridiculous to admit but yes I want to make a lot of money. I may sound materialistic but yes I have known about this world enough to understand that money can solve many problems. I can be kinder to people if I have enough money. Yes, you do not have to be rich to be kind but when a person has to face adversities in their own life, kindness may take a backseat. Of course it will be highly appreciated if humans can be kind nonetheless but such cases are rare. And I am afraid I will not be among those rare people. I want to be powerful in order to live life on my principles and money is one of the tools to achieve that. So yeah, only plan I have is to make money. Rest of my future is filled with uncertainities which brings along anxious nights. And at those nights the only comfort I have is that I work hard. I try to work hard every day in order to leave no regrets for my future and to have fewer of those anxious nights!