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Just a Character

So, I breathe this moment in
Like a current running down the river
It spreads slowly inside
And then it’s gone
Without any traces
Every moment isn’t supposed to last
But I desperately wanted this one to stay
I was finally at peace
I could feel the warmth spreading
Illuminating me from inside
And people said I was magnificent
But now I feel like a character
With development gone too fast
I couldn’t keep up with the storyline
With blurred-out lines between good and bad
Which side am I supposed to be?
The destination seems too far off
But I never had a clear goal
Then will it hurt if I never reach?
Or is it the fear of being hurt
They say worry makes you suffer twice
But my head keeps throbbing with the fear
Fear of falling too hard
Or being the imposter in my own life
Is this really who I am?
Maybe its just a far fetched dream


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A Teary Adieu

A winter affair
A misty dream
It felt so surreal
That reality escaped
And it hit me like a train
It brought me back to senses
And mist all swept away

Flooded with tears, I stood there quivering
Unable to say a proper farewell
I so desperately wished I could stay
One more day, one more moment
Of this dream which was finally real
And I had to let go

I guess human greed was more real
Or I was too desperate to protect my peace
which seemed so real at this place
I had never felt like a better fit anywhere else
Maybe that’s why it felt like this
Like cutting off a part of me
And letting it go forever.

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Into the spotlight

I feel the jitters all too well
I fumble as I talk and stumble as I walk
I slow down to get a hold
My mind running faster than I could process
I seem to be flying these days
As every dream turns into reality
I am too afraid to disappoint
Pinpointed under all the attention
I just want to mix in the crowd
I know that’s cowardly
I know that the stars have finally aligned
And I am too afraid to accept
Everyone suddenly understands me
I speak their language now
It seems they all finally like me
Nodding of the heads gives me confidence
I deliver and deliver
But I want to have responses
And I see their hesitant faces
I can’t see their genuine smiles
Yeah some give me the loudest cheers
And backstage there is a whole family
But still, it feels too lonely
I figure out most still don’t understand me
I just misunderstood from all that nodding
Maybe that’s a given when you’re in the spotlight

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Part of my life

This hustled way I am living these days
Shuffling from place to place
Each day this sea greets me with a new wave
And I try to swim these blues away

I still try to grasp every straw in between
Communicate what matters to me effectively
Avoiding getting seasick with monotony
I am still hoping this spark isn’t momentary

This chaos I am slowly unfolding
Might be a carefully woven bundle of events
No matter how far I look, the bundle remains same
It’s all part of my life or my life is a part of this

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Home ( A Cadralor)

1.
I open the gates to shimmering lights
Walk down the stores full of flowers so bright
Joy seems spreading like a picture larger than life

2.
Wake up soon, the sun is up too
Early morning dreams about to come true
I see everyone together just as I drew

3.
Colours are important don’t you miss them
I shout orders to bring those sweets well
They go outside only to return soon

4.
Its tiring how much I still have left to do
The smell is too sweet, did I add cardomom too?
Stirring the magical heaven as I get rid of all that gloom

5.
And just like that the table is set, looking forward to true bliss
The rangoli adorns the entry to a home where nobody is missed
With holy chants and pretty lamps, this autumn’s Diwali is again the best.

Diwali is a Hindu festival celebrated generally in October or November (excuse me for not knowing the name of the months according to the Hindu calendar, my teachers taught me well but I guess I was not a good student). It is my favourite festival, since everyone’s home and we get to eat so many sweets. You should definitely try Indian sweets, nothing can beat them in my opinion, not even the holy chocolate! (though I love chocolates too). And overall it’s a festival of lights so we decorate everything with fairy lights, but you should never forget those beautiful earthen lamps. I love putting those diyas at every corner of the house and making sure, they are still burning until I give in to sleep. There is so much more meaning to this festival but I will write about it in detail some other time.

But I absolutely cannot miss rangolis. I love making rangolis. I have used the picture of last year’s rangoli as the featured image to give an idea of what it looks like. It is an art form made of coloured sand or powdered colours and the design is up to you. So every year my sister and I brainstorm together to come up with a good design only to switch it up last minute because we are getting late for the puja. I don’t believe in praying but since I have been doing it since I was a kid, it feels only natural to pray together on Diwali. And just like that, I get another day full of happy memories, good food, and giggles all around.

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Abyss

And just like that another day passed
Passed like the wind on my face
While I was just peeking out of the backseat of a car
And I just feel a bit heavier today

Is it the anxiety trying to bog me down again
Or just some motion sickness on my way to happiness
But as soon as I leave this moment
It seems like all the happiness was in the past

Why can’t I gracefully descend to the future?
Like that graceful river sparkling with dreams of the sea
I look back and the ever-growing nostalgia haunts me
Like precious memory of someone who is no more

Too worried to leave important bits and pieces of present
I just can’t seem to grasp everything in these tiny hands
Something always slips down into the past’s abyss
And I am lying here wondering if the cycle ends

This continuous exercise of self-love and happiness is wearing me down
Maybe I should just sit here and truly understand my sadness
But why does everything has to go
It seems, in reality, happy endings hurt too.

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Islands or Mainland

Those vast stretches of mainland
With an identity visible from places so far
Cannot obscure the existence of islands
Hidden amidst the sea, they do have a power
With sea waves rocking their shores
Amidst windy clouds, they still claim their sun
And you can’t compare those islands to continents
With each having their own place
The comforts of connectivity
Far too forlorn
But you can find hidden jewels
Or a memory to hold on
But how often would you see
A continent sinking to its end
Vanishing from the earth, it seems like an island’s fate
Still living like an island seems like a fairytale to me
Bickering with the sea and a climate of my own
To live fiercely and disappear if I must
Not visible but still content on my own.








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A Novice

A Pantoum

Along these consciously unconscious movies
As reality blurs between rationale and feelings soar high
Sometimes I swim through like a novice
Knowing all too well, I was born to fly

As reality blurs between rationale and feelings soar high
I wander in the ocean depths looking for a muse
Knowing all too well, I was born to fly
I contemplate the difference between two blues

I wander in the ocean depths looking for a muse
Just going with the flow or avoiding the tides
I contemplate the difference between two blues
Anticipating the moment this storm subsides

Just going with the flow or avoiding the tides
Sometimes I swim through like a novice
Anticipating the moment this storm subsides
Along these consciously unconscious movies

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Aurora

The castles, the wars, the unwavering heart, moments of helplessness, creeping their way from places so dark and I knew you were happy, I knew you were sad, but when I felt all alone, I found you in those hidden trails, in the forsaken crevices of my heart, emerging like aurora, I had never felt those butterflies, overfilling my soul with the urge to encompass these boundaries between fiction and the facts and live inside that dream, while you delicately guide me across your masterpiece, I need to listen more, why everything fell apart and why still the love remains, I never knew what love felt like but it must feel like admiring this art, to find my way across its heart and fancying to live here till forever falls apart.

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Fairy lights are prettier in the dark

Fairy lights always bring back memories of childhood. The good old times when I did not know that terms like environment friendly exist. I was always awestruck by the brilliance of the glittering lights which made everything seem beautiful. Now, I would give away every fairy light to just admire a sky full of stars.

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Blunt or Kind

I recently stumbled upon a readers’ block. I had started a new job and it required me to travel three to three and half hours daily. On top of that the work there was really hectic and I only got one day off per week. And as anyone would expect, I spent that one day just sleeping and eating. But I missed books badly.

Continue reading “Blunt or Kind”
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Dream Castles

I still remember that peaceful morning. I woke up with a mission in mind. I did not even care about my looks or about my empty stomach. I still remember those blissful waves to whom i had come to bid adieu. But before that final goodbye, i had a task to accomplish. As you all may have guessed from the picture, the creator of that castle cannot be a professional. But I did not want a grandoise castle nor did i have time for it. I just wanted to create something beautiful when i was at the right place.

When the sea is more than 500 kms away from your town, beaches are always like some magical dreams. No matter how many times you visit them, after each vacation they seem unreal. I was like the happiest person on the beach that morning while collecting the wet sand with my bare hands. Buying tools for my castle seemed childish to me and it was like a waste of money. After all, when will i get a chance to soak my hands in that soft and gritty sand. There were three of us on this mission. They had to agree after listening to my costant blabber about making a castle.

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Human in a box

And I saw them flying carefree

Aligned as a gorgeous V formation

In a sky with streaks of the prettiest peach

With trees lined up like cheerleaders

But I was sitting inside comfortably

With my favourite people

Listening to my favourite music

Did they spot me?

But I’m impossible to spot inside my box

Maybe in my next life

I will be free

And the prettiest skies mixed with all shades of pink and blue

Decorated intricately with clouds will be my home

It’s also true that I feel peace

A peace that was so hard to find

And I want this to last

I love the colours here

It would have been great to grab a paint brush

And paint this moment to last forever

But alas I am a helpless human

Restricted with constraints of time and location

Can’t it be more like a dream

Where I paint hazily and suddenly there is an art gallery in my house

Then I invite only my favourite people

To see artworks that remind me of them

And we wine and dine and forget about the square boxes

That remind me of being a mere human

Restricted by the constraints of time and space

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The Blue

Flying above the clouds these days
The little girl doesn’t seem to be fazed
When a crack of voice used to scare her
She seems to speak her mind unfazed

Still, there are oceans to cross
The winds still blow across
And her steps still a little wobbly
She is managing with a smile across

The dilemma never seems to stop
To be nice or to be right
With still ocean depths to discover
She stares at the surface with fright

Yeah, she already dipped her feet right in
The water was cold and fish seemed unfriendly
And she is no mermaid to swiftly swim accross
But she does crave for the blue to last

No matter how serene the water seems
It is full of creatures that deceive
And again the dilemma looms across
To be nice or to be right; would you decide, please?

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4’o clock

Knots in my heart run a bit deeper
With every melody piercing its way
It feels like this one can be a keeper
Murmurs in a cold blanket and I stay
Still as ice, this world seems all grey
Gently pats my back and I melt
Still as a lake, back at home I felt
The softest quilts and blinding dark
Wrapped around me like a sweet embrace
As I slip into the unconscious heaven

This poem was inspired by a beautiful song named 4’o clock by RM and V of BTS. It used to be my comfort during my hostel days when I had trouble sleeping with some noisy roommates. I would like to clarify it was not the roommates who were unkind but it was just me being overly sensitive. I can’t blame someone for interrupting my sleep when it can break even with the fluttering of leaves. But this song literally teleported me to my cozy bedroom back home with blackout curtains and sound of pleasant winds. I have attached a link to the song, give it a listen if you are curious (turn on the english subtitles and lyrics will make it even better). Its just beautiful.

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Love

Learnt you have to call them up
Be kind to people
Let them have space
Be more observant
Just because someone was kind enough to me,
I learnt kindness.


In this world where love comes in measurements
I learnt to love from people who love selflessly
A little bit less or a lot more never existed
Just because I can, I will, gives peace immeasurable.
Yeah there are people who break my heart
They will always be there to empty out the love
But nobody can dare empty out an ocean
Yeah I can always flood when overwhelmed
But I hope I still would wish for their peace eventually.

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The Hustle

I have to accept I have been more or less inactive for the past few months. Too much has been going on in my life to even acknowledge this simple fact. I changed jobs, and met so many new people. Made friends and unfriended some. I guess this is how the adult life goes on. And I am at my peak. And I don’t even have time to sit down and realize how to take it all under control.

And sometimes I just find myself completely shut down to the outside world. Like I don’t even care if someone is lying to me or if someone I once cared about cheats. I just don’t have the time or energy for that. And it hurts much lesser. But the mere thought that I don’t care anymore is kind of unsettling. Why have I become like this? Am I healing or just getting worse?

When I was younger, I used to think about every single conversation I had in my entire day over and over again. But nowadays, I just feel tired at the end of the day and sleep. No anxious nights anymore, but still I am not happy. I am much more independent now. And because of this, I simply walk out of the situations I don’t like. I am earning better, so I don’t have to think twice about going to a fancy restaurant or buying nice shoes. But I used to crave those things earlier. And now that it is much easier to have them, those things do not excite me that much. They are just another task that needs to be completed.

And I still do not feel good enough for my job. One or another way I find something which disappoints me. I can’t talk enough or can’t make friends that easily. That small talk which helps people develop professional relationships feels useless to me. I just hate fake relationships limited to good mornings and good evenings. I want to talk about your family, how do you manage to do things smoothly and how did you survive when things got tough. People tell me that I have to start with small talk to reach that level. But somehow, that just doesn’t makes sense to me. Or maybe since I am an adult now, I think I can just run away from uncomfortable situations.

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Foggy Mornings

Misty doors, roads, and trees
Every particle starts to freeze
And I stand here with my coffee
Enjoying the view as I see
A blanket of fog moves ever so slowly
And I stare at it waiting for you
Someone to come and melt me
And still how I wish to keep this intact
I don’t know what troubles me more
The cold or the inevitable .

It’s the time of the year when the mighty cold starts surrendering to the mightier sun. And I start missing those pretty foggy mornings as soon as they are gone. I have been laughed at for calling those moist and cold mornings pretty by my fellow inhabitants. But nothing could stop me from gazing into wide horizons waiting for some mystical character to suddenly appear.

I do like sunny days too. And I am privileged enough to spend those chilly mornings sitting inside a temperature-controlled room sipping warm coffee. And I have enough layers to protect me from getting sick. But as I read somewhere, we love these comfy things thanks to the extreme weather waiting for us outside. Like we only understand our blessings after times of hardships.

So, the foggy mornings have now become a thing of the past. And as I walk through these sunny mornings, stripped of the weight of those heavy sweaters and jackets, I find myself counting the months before those dreamy sunrises would greet me again. I know it won’t be any sooner and months of scorching temperatures lie ahead. But yeah, I guess that takes me back to my point. You are truly grateful for your blessings, only after facing adversities.


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Mirror of the Mind

They say eyes are mirrors of the soul
I think I have one for my mind too
It sits there idly waiting for me
These days, the wait spans out to days

Rock solid support personified
It tells me what’s wrong with my mind
Hey, you are cluttered today
Just lift some of my weight away

It screams with helplessness sometimes
When days of work piles and piles
And yes, am I too forgetful to remember?
Where the hell, I kept my scissors?

It seems to tease me for all the extra load
Sometimes it hides things on purpose
I promise, I never misplace things
It just vanishes, all the fault is with the table!

And when I am working too hard at nights
Sometimes, it smiles with glittery eyes
Behind all those rocky ups and downs
It stood there to witness how backstage was aligned




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It’s a marathon

I am tired of all this reasoning
All the emotions holding me captive
I thought I had escaped the hell
I was happy and free for once

But was it peace, I don’t remember
I was excited to go through all this
I was grateful for all those who stood by
I was blessed to have those moments

But why is it killing me from inside
Why do I have this gut-wrenching feeling constantly
Mind says to stay sane
And the heart cries for no reason

And sometimes there’s just this buzz
Where I am lost amidst all this darkness
Lives go on around me
But my life seems to be at a standstill

Hypothetically I am moving
With opportunities so great, I never imagined
But how do I get away from feeling not good enough
Everyone around me shines so brightly

And I buffer and stutter
I am not quick enough
Is it really me or am I being fake now
Do I really have to get on the top?

I had dreams so big but now they scare me
The mere thought of being up there
With people of caliber much greater than mine
Or am I being too self-critical

They say I will learn
That’s how everyone grows
So many people have faith in me
And that pushes me deeper under pressure

I have to get up and be myself again
This cooping up in misery shall not remain
But sometimes it just hurts so bad
Lying in pain which I can’t explain

I think explanation would hurt even more
That’s why I want to avoid it
But all this running away is taking up my stamina
And stamina is something I never built

But I have to run and it’s a marathon
I have to care first for myself
I know I am not great, but let’s start with good
Good, better, best are just neighbours right?

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