The Hustle

I have to accept I have been more or less inactive for the past few months. Too much has been going on in my life to even acknowledge this simple fact. I changed jobs, and met so many new people. Made friends and unfriended some. I guess this is how the adult life goes on. And I am at my peak. And I don’t even have time to sit down and realize how to take it all under control.

And sometimes I just find myself completely shut down to the outside world. Like I don’t even care if someone is lying to me or if someone I once cared about cheats. I just don’t have the time or energy for that. And it hurts much lesser. But the mere thought that I don’t care anymore is kind of unsettling. Why have I become like this? Am I healing or just getting worse?

When I was younger, I used to think about every single conversation I had in my entire day over and over again. But nowadays, I just feel tired at the end of the day and sleep. No anxious nights anymore, but still I am not happy. I am much more independent now. And because of this, I simply walk out of the situations I don’t like. I am earning better, so I don’t have to think twice about going to a fancy restaurant or buying nice shoes. But I used to crave those things earlier. And now that it is much easier to have them, those things do not excite me that much. They are just another task that needs to be completed.

And I still do not feel good enough for my job. One or another way I find something which disappoints me. I can’t talk enough or can’t make friends that easily. That small talk which helps people develop professional relationships feels useless to me. I just hate fake relationships limited to good mornings and good evenings. I want to talk about your family, how do you manage to do things smoothly and how did you survive when things got tough. People tell me that I have to start with small talk to reach that level. But somehow, that just doesn’t makes sense to me. Or maybe since I am an adult now, I think I can just run away from uncomfortable situations.