Category: Just everyday thoughts

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Human in a box

And I saw them flying carefree

Aligned as a gorgeous V formation

In a sky with streaks of the prettiest peach

With trees lined up like cheerleaders

But I was sitting inside comfortably

With my favourite people

Listening to my favourite music

Did they spot me?

But I’m impossible to spot inside my box

Maybe in my next life

I will be free

And the prettiest skies mixed with all shades of pink and blue

Decorated intricately with clouds will be my home

It’s also true that I feel peace

A peace that was so hard to find

And I want this to last

I love the colours here

It would have been great to grab a paint brush

And paint this moment to last forever

But alas I am a helpless human

Restricted with constraints of time and location

Can’t it be more like a dream

Where I paint hazily and suddenly there is an art gallery in my house

Then I invite only my favourite people

To see artworks that remind me of them

And we wine and dine and forget about the square boxes

That remind me of being a mere human

Restricted by the constraints of time and space

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Love

Learnt you have to call them up
Be kind to people
Let them have space
Be more observant
Just because someone was kind enough to me,
I learnt kindness.


In this world where love comes in measurements
I learnt to love from people who love selflessly
A little bit less or a lot more never existed
Just because I can, I will, gives peace immeasurable.
Yeah there are people who break my heart
They will always be there to empty out the love
But nobody can dare empty out an ocean
Yeah I can always flood when overwhelmed
But I hope I still would wish for their peace eventually.

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The Hustle

I have to accept I have been more or less inactive for the past few months. Too much has been going on in my life to even acknowledge this simple fact. I changed jobs, and met so many new people. Made friends and unfriended some. I guess this is how the adult life goes on. And I am at my peak. And I don’t even have time to sit down and realize how to take it all under control.

And sometimes I just find myself completely shut down to the outside world. Like I don’t even care if someone is lying to me or if someone I once cared about cheats. I just don’t have the time or energy for that. And it hurts much lesser. But the mere thought that I don’t care anymore is kind of unsettling. Why have I become like this? Am I healing or just getting worse?

When I was younger, I used to think about every single conversation I had in my entire day over and over again. But nowadays, I just feel tired at the end of the day and sleep. No anxious nights anymore, but still I am not happy. I am much more independent now. And because of this, I simply walk out of the situations I don’t like. I am earning better, so I don’t have to think twice about going to a fancy restaurant or buying nice shoes. But I used to crave those things earlier. And now that it is much easier to have them, those things do not excite me that much. They are just another task that needs to be completed.

And I still do not feel good enough for my job. One or another way I find something which disappoints me. I can’t talk enough or can’t make friends that easily. That small talk which helps people develop professional relationships feels useless to me. I just hate fake relationships limited to good mornings and good evenings. I want to talk about your family, how do you manage to do things smoothly and how did you survive when things got tough. People tell me that I have to start with small talk to reach that level. But somehow, that just doesn’t makes sense to me. Or maybe since I am an adult now, I think I can just run away from uncomfortable situations.

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A Happy Rant

These days I have too much on my plate, in a good way. I am just not sure that I have enough appetite to relish all the delicacies. It seems like if my guardian angels existed, they have decided to work overtime and make sure I have every door open for me. The fairies in which I believe, might not even exist in this real world. But isn’t it better to live in an imaginary world and be at peace instead of validating the harsh reality we feel every day?

My favourite artists always describe how much satisfaction they feel after touching people’s lives with their art. He once said, that even if just one person feels happier because of our art, their job is done. It was at that moment I started thinking about how it must feel to be the center of so much positive attention. It may even feel fake at times. And to think about the amount of hard work and passion that goes into that kind of achievement, it all seems insurmountable. After all the hard work, if only one person is there to appreciate me, would I really be satisfied?

Coming back to passion, there are moments when I dream about too much at just one moment. One second I am sitting at my desk, working on those boring assignments, and another second, I am flying freely at great heights. Inside those dreams are people who are cheering for me. People who truly love me. And people whom I love unconditionally. There are adventures, power moves, and beautiful places and everything shines so brightly.

The imaginary girl inside my head is too smart to be cheated by anyone. She thinks, with her determination only, she can achieve anything she wants. She is the most beautiful person inside and out. But the moment I step out of my imaginary world, I am just an ordinary person with ordinary flaws. I am not the ideal daughter that I always dreamt of. Sometimes I am too emotional to practically judge a situation. More often than not, I believe that the people I am smiling with are good. Until one of them shatters my heart into pieces once again. And I always come back here to collect the pieces and put them back in place.

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Back to Square One

The last eight months have been like a rollercoaster for me. I have to say it was the scariest rollercoaster I have ever been on. I love rollercoasters in general and am always willing to ride them at any time. Maybe that’s why I found enough courage to start this journey. The job I had been working on in 2021 was an extremely toxic one. It consumed all my time, mental peace, and health altogether. I would not have believed that stress can make you lose so much hair, had you told me before this job.

I was still kind of a fresher in my field, so I knew it would be hard to find a fresh job if I quit this one. But at that time, I don’t know how I found that kind of belief in myself which further strengthened my will to start afresh at a place where I can find a bit more peace. I have to give credit to my family and friends who always gave me a safety net to fall back on. So as a new year resolution (I never believed in such things before), I told myself that in 2022, I would be in a better place. And just yesterday, I got my offer letter from my dream company, for a position that makes me so excited to start.

But wait, this journey had never been this smooth as it sounds. There were nights when I could not sleep due to anxiety surrounding this uncertain future. Nights where I whispered desperately to have atleast some sort of job. I never knew finding a job can be this difficult. I started on such a happy note and vacationed around to clear all the negative energy. And I have to accept, I was the happiest I had ever been in the last 1 year. And then the rollercoaster started going all downhill. I had started with some plans in mind. And then plan A got postponed. Plan B was executed perfectly but did not give results, atleast at that time. And I was kind of ashamed of myself for being jobless. It hurt even more because everyone around me had such high expectations from me, myself included.

When those negative thoughts did not leave me, I desperately tried to hold on to something. I am glad that I still had some goals and timelines to adhere to, or else I would have been too deep down in that abyss to ever recover. And as this rollercoaster seems to be going uphill now, I am glad I took a ride. For I could not have learned lessons so invaluable without this break. The major takeaway for me is that I have to enjoy this moment as it is. I realized that if I constantly try to run away to a better place, always pushing ahead, I will miss the scenery that comes along. At one point I realized, that I was happy to be on a break, I could study all I want, without any disturbances. I could happily chat the evenings away with my family and could have any food I craved (though I am not in perfect shape after indulging in those tasty homecooked treats). So it’s a bit bittersweet to leave home now to go back to work. Not to mention that I will have to build all those work relationships afresh. But now I know I can deal with anything in the world. See, this is exactly the feeling you get after passing through the biggest drop in that scary rollercoaster. Still, since I think I am now high up here, I tend to close my eyes for a moment, fearing another sharp drop. Then again, I must remember to take some deep breaths and enjoy the scenery while I am still here.

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Confined Within The Brackets

After experiencing life a bit, I have observed that more than often people like to put me in brackets in order to understand me more. Or just to make it easier to deal with everyone else. Like, I know for sure, that most people who have ever met me would like to describe me as the quiet one or nerdy one, or maybe oversensitive one. The world is filled with people putting tags on each other. We always try to define people in mere words. However, we are people and not just things; we change every day. One day you stumble upon a stone and fall, the next day you will learn to watch your step. Some people may change slower than others, but nonetheless, they are changing. And by putting tags we might be limiting ourselves to explore the infinite possibilities in the world awaiting us.

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