Uncategorized – Page 5 – Librocubicularist soul

September 30, 2021January 15, 2022

The day you grow up..

I have been trying to act like those grown ups for half of my life. I try to act all mature with my favourite cookie being taken away and giving up on my comfort. I even tried to give those fake smiles and do that small talk to fit perfectly in this imperfect world.

All this drama just because I used to think that being a grown up means having those important talks about this and that without those stupid giggles here and there. And I was taught grown ups are not greedy and act classy and have the best of manners. So I faked all that respect towards older people and tried all those weird tactics to fit in. Sometimes I even joined their conversations which were solely about judging others and comparing this or that. All those talks about politics left me with a lot to ponder upon. I even formed my own opinions and as I was about to state my points confidently, there came a realisation. What good will come out of all this? Will it help me if I joined those boring conversations. Will others even try to listen to what I have to speak. And I realised most of the times being a grown up is like being surrounded by all the noise without taking anything in consideration.

Do you remember the time when you got your first game or puzzle or anything that you used to love as a child? How obsessed we used to be with that thing. We would give all our attention to that thing for days or weeks but after a time it became boring. So boring that we completely forgot about them and they must be lying somewhere in the corner of our homes. Then a new toy used to be brought and it used to become our world.Atleast for a period of time.The world used to be so simple when it was so easy to forget and forgive. And from what I remember, I used to be so happy when there used to be something that made me forget everything happening around me. How long has it been since I felt that joy? Maybe when I last read a beautiful book. But still there were few ounces of guilt hiding in a corner of my heart as I let myself drown into that imaginary world. The guilt of ignoring people, timelines or schedules that take us adults as prisoners. And that guilt took away that happiness of being on cloud nine. So what is the point of being a grown up if you cannot make your world better.

I think the day we truly grow up, is the day when you realize you did not have to change yourself at all.When you realise, you do not necessarily need to act like grown ups until you do not interfere with someone else’s happiness. When you understand the true meaning of sharing is caring, caring selflessly but not till the point that someone exploits your kindness. When you do not need those fake conversations or boasting about all the knowledge or money in order to feel good about yourself. But knowing about your strengths and weaknesses is enough. Enough to heal the wounds that this world gives you and spread some love to those around you. When you know you do not have to prove anything to anyone except yourself.Because we don’t even know who set the definition of being grown up. Only we know how deep we fell and the amount of struggle we faced to get back to the surface.

September 1, 2021September 1, 2021

So, are you done?

Here comes another morning, wishing my life was a fairytale.

With all that happiness and a forgiving world where nobody wins and nobody fails

Here comes another morning, when I need to hide from world

Because just when you show your problems

The world takes you to your deepest lows

Now, no other blow hits me hard enough

Because how harder can I fall

I fell and fell and when I stopped,

I still was falling apart.

Here comes another morning

Wishing that nothing would last

But everything I want is in the past

How I wish that would have lasted

How long I waited for that one happiness

And when it came, I don’t have a heart

A heart which used to be whole

A heart which was so pure

How can I come out of it unscathed

When all I need is to hide from the world

All I ask is are you done?

For how long do I need to hide

How much more will you pull me apart

When will that time come when you are done.

August 9, 2021August 9, 2021

As I leave this place

The hardest things I have gone through in my life happened here. My heart broke into million pieces and I still collected all the traces and mended it all over again. I used to believe in a happy world. Where people tried to be kind. I used to think I was the weird one everywhere. And if I tried hard enough, I can understand everyone.

But here I have seen the worst sides of people. As I tried to adjust to their standards, their standards fell deeper and deeper. So how could I still understand them when all I could see was a black dot from where I stood. My morals were too high to go further underground.

It’s not like I liked everyone I have met until now. I used to think some people are bad. But this was beyond my expectations. And adults around me told me why I took everything personally. Maybe I was wrong. I used to pour my heart into each and every thing. I always tried to be so sincere that it hurt. It hurt so bad to see that people can be so conniving even if I gave my everything to them.

And there was absolutely no reason behind their actions. So I hope I always remember it’s not you it’s them. And when people were being crushed under this stressful drill, their kindness took a backseat. They became so self absorbed, that others maybe breaking down from inside, but no one cared. I hope I would handle all this stress in my future without losing my own colour. I hope I still remain as naive as I was before entering this place. Because I would never want to hurt people like they hurt me. I hope I never become so self absorbed, that I can’t see other’s pain.

And I am so afraid. So afraid that things can go worse than this. Because as I proceed further in my life, people become more and more difficult. And the world becomes less and less kind. I hope this is the end. I hope I don’t have to meet such people again. I am more experienced now but I didn’t want this experience. Why did I have to witness this dirty world. I hope I can make this world a better place. If not the whole world, I hope I can make it happier for atleast the people around me. And I still wish to remain as naive and foolish as I was before this. But I don’t think my fears would let me do that. Why do we have to grow up like this? It’s just sad.

But amidst all this sadness, I still had people around me. People who could not help me but still stood by my side and didn’t let me drown. I hope I remember all these good people too. People who want to see me happy, so that when all this stress takes a toll on me again, I know I will never drown.

July 26, 2021

On days like this..

When you are anticipating and worrying about the future so bad that you forget the present. When anxiety takes over your peace and no matter how much you console yourself, all that’s left in your mind is constant buzzing. Buzzing about one wrong step you took or about that one moment you were sidetracked.

I hope in those moments of worry, I remember how much I achieved. I reflect on the entire galaxy of possibilities waiting for me on the other side of time. I wish I could be more proud of whatever I have completed till now instead of contemplating about how much I could have achieved. Because desires never end and those what ifs are pointless. All the magic lies in this moment and I hope I give my hundred percent in this moment. Obviously my hundred percent may not take me towards my goals. But it takes me towards a better me. And it’s always the right choice to be a little better. Because every better is a step towards being the best.

June 28, 2021June 28, 2021

Thank you!

Today I got a notification from wordpress that 20 people follow me now. To be honest, I did not start this blog with a plan or to get any views at all! I just wanted to have a site that I could call mine where everything has my perspective and my vibes. It has been one of those childhood dreams I developed while reading some fiction books. But at the same time, I did not want all that pressure of starting new conversations and all the stress involved with dealing with people. So I did not promote my blog at all! Until 8 months only my sister knew about it. And now this list has grown to include two more close friends. But when I achieved my first like and first follower, the feeling was overwhelming. A complete stranger agreed with my point of view and even liked it. It felt good so I started taking my blog a little more seriously. Now that I have 20 of you I would sincerely like to thank you for all those likes and follows. Each one of you means a lot and you all have given me motivation to further continue this blog with more enthusiasm. I will keep trying to improve my content and keep it engaging. Thank you!

June 9, 2021June 9, 2021

Imperfectly perfect

I guess we try so hard to be perfect, we forget the beauty of imperfections. We try so hard to fit in the standards set by society that we end up ruining our inherent uniqueness. And the following quote captures the hardest question to be answered for most of us.

"Do you remember who you were before the world told you who you should be".

You can say things change when you lose your childlike innocence. Some may even say, that you should become mature as you grow up. But from what I see around this world, most so called grown ups change for the worse while becoming mature.

They lose their ability to feel so much beauty and pain altogether.Those people are so engrossed in the rules taught by the society that things like happiness, kindness or selflessness take a backseat. This might also be a side effect of the cruel actions of the world too. When you know that you have only yourself who will stand for you, sometimes you forget others might need you too. And this cycle goes on.

When someone does not get supported without any hidden motives there is a high probability that even they will give up on staying selfless.

And what if everyone stayed innocent forever in this world. Then nobody would ever get cheated on or nobody would be mistreated. Yes, we sometimes hurt other people unintentionally but as long as others know that it’s unintentional , those things would not hurt that much.

When living in this cruel world, first thing one learns is to always be careful or not to loosen your guard. And along with that guard come the insecurities and fear. We start judging people and their actions in order to protect oneself. And some nice people start getting closed up to people so as to avoid getting hurt.We may start behaving coldly just to protect ourselves from this selfish world. But then I realised that being like that is awful too. Because right now I may be too afraid to help or may have thousand of reasons. But once I sleep at night all kinds of thoughts filled up my mind that how can I ignore other person in need. And then I realised, what it meant to be getting ahead. It was not being successful for me. It was just to be content with every deed I do. So I started going with my own instincts rather than letting those rules decide for myself. And unbelievably, I felt good. Even when someone took advantage of me, I was relieved. Relieved that I did not let this harsh world change me and i did my best to not leave any regrets behind. Of course I may be at loss most of the time because of this but even then, a sound sleep at night when you are truly happy with yourself is worth more than those losses.

May 15, 2021May 17, 2021

Universe and us.

Recently I read a book that said that universe wants to be noticed, that pain wants to be noticed.

But it failed to mention the reason. There is no doubt that I have asked the same question several times before too but I never found the right words. But when I found these words, I was awestruck by their beauty. It simply ended our quest to find all the answers to whatever happens around us.

Alas, the universe wants to be noticed. From my experience, when we wish to be noticed, we all do things which are beyond imagination. Sometimes we succeed in this wasteful practice and sometimes we do not. But nature is not us. The universe is not us. It is much more above us. It holds enormous amount of power, capabilities and everything which is far beyond our imagination. Maybe that is why, it is noticed. We are unable to turn a blind eye towards it. Even if we devote our entire lifetime to understand, notice and praise the beauty of universe, it will not be enough.

Still many breathtaking views will remain far beyond our reach, our time. This explains how small we are in front of nature. We cannot compete with it. But I think universe does not know it. Even without trying it will be noticed. The earth will be noticed. Because it is so beautiful.

Then here we come again to the same question, why does it want to be noticed. Maybe it is jealous of us. Because it is all alone, it cannot even communicate with us directly. We have companions, we have friends and we have families. The universe is unable to experience the beauty of these relationships. That is why from time to time, it shows its powers, takes away our people, to make us realize that it is here. It is continuously watching over us. It hears our laughter, it sees us crying.

Maybe the universe also wants that adrenaline rush which we feel when our favorite teams win. Maybe universe also wants to feel those butterflies in stomach which we feel in love. Maybe it also wants to feel that unbearable pain in chest which we feel on losing someone irreplaceable (whether fictional or real). That is why it competes because it does not know any other way. Because somehow we have those beautiful abilities.

But not only universe or nature wants to be noticed. Even though we are like a trace in front of universe, humans also have that desire to be noticed. Humans also compete with nature, against nature to prove their worth. This competition has continued since ages and look where we have come. But universe did not play tricks. It gave us so much that our entire lifetime fell short to collect the gifts. The only thing it took was time. Still we had much more things that universe did not have, but we became selfish.

We competed so hard to be noticed that we played dirty tricks. We used much more resources than we deserved. We were the ones that disturbed the balance. We should have let other candidates play too. But we humans took their resources. We continuously scarred the universe and forgot to give it the attention it deserved. But fellows, we forgot one thing. No matter how many advantages we have, they will eventually fall short in front of the universe.

Because we were always just a speck of dust. The universe found new ways. It discovered natural disasters, new diseases and much more. There is no doubt we cannot win this game because its developer itself is universe. It knows all those secret weapons and tricks. As we sit in the lockdown with nothing to do, we can do a task of utmost importance. Notice the universe. Give it the attention it deserves. Give it the care it deserves. Because at the end, it holds the most powerful weapon: time.

April 28, 2021April 28, 2021

Humanity

Why are we supposed to act humanely when deep inside most of the people are just so selfish. Why did this term humanity exist when in reality most of the human beings fail to fulfil the basic deeds which are considered as humanity. And it hurts when you try to be as human as possible with those animals pretending to be human.

Sometimes I really do wonder whether I should forget about all my manners and behave similarly to those inhuman beings. Why are we supposed to be so good yet every selfish action comes with an explanation. We were taught a poem in school and the line that captivated me the most was -“वही मनुष्य है कि जो मनुष्य के लिए मरे।”.It means only those are human who can die for a human. And I learnt that lesson with my whole heart. But I guess for most of us it was just another poem to cram up for examinations.

Well, that explains state of the world right now. Of course there are good people out there but why is it so hard to find them. And most of the situations do not expect you to literally die to help another human. Just wear your mask properly and you can save lives. But still comfort comes first to most people and they cannot even stand a bit of breathless when thousands are struggling in hospitals to get enough oxygen until their last breath. When so many are not able to see their loved ones for one last time, people cannot postpone their parties because dude they are dying at home. I do not know from where that sense of entitlement or foolishness came in those people.

Why cannot they feel the pain of all those innocent people, all those innocent doctors who are losing their lives even after taking all the precautions? Just because someone’s comfort comes first, others continue to lose their lives. How did that become fair in people’s mind? And in this short period of time, I have seen some of the nicest, selfless people losing their faith in humanity. How did we become so self centered that we cannot see those people dying on the inside everyday. Is it the result of getting so many resources that we forgot that humanity created comfort and not the other way round. Nowadays comfort comes before everything and it is becoming difficult to go on loving this unfair world. Where the people who are most thoughtful have to suffer the most. Where all this conciousness comes with fear and hopelessness.

I hope there is light at the end of this tunnel as well. And I wish we will reach the end of this tunnel a bit sooner. Because I do not want to fill my heart with all this hate when nature has given us so much to admire.