It’s a marathon

I am tired of all this reasoning
All the emotions holding me captive
I thought I had escaped the hell
I was happy and free for once

But was it peace, I don’t remember
I was excited to go through all this
I was grateful for all those who stood by
I was blessed to have those moments

But why is it killing me from inside
Why do I have this gut-wrenching feeling constantly
Mind says to stay sane
And the heart cries for no reason

And sometimes there’s just this buzz
Where I am lost amidst all this darkness
Lives go on around me
But my life seems to be at a standstill

Hypothetically I am moving
With opportunities so great, I never imagined
But how do I get away from feeling not good enough
Everyone around me shines so brightly

And I buffer and stutter
I am not quick enough
Is it really me or am I being fake now
Do I really have to get on the top?

I had dreams so big but now they scare me
The mere thought of being up there
With people of caliber much greater than mine
Or am I being too self-critical

They say I will learn
That’s how everyone grows
So many people have faith in me
And that pushes me deeper under pressure

I have to get up and be myself again
This cooping up in misery shall not remain
But sometimes it just hurts so bad
Lying in pain which I can’t explain

I think explanation would hurt even more
That’s why I want to avoid it
But all this running away is taking up my stamina
And stamina is something I never built

But I have to run and it’s a marathon
I have to care first for myself
I know I am not great, but let’s start with good
Good, better, best are just neighbours right?