I am tired of all this reasoning All the emotions holding me captive I thought I had escaped the hell I was happy and free for once
But was it peace, I don’t remember I was excited to go through all this I was grateful for all those who stood by I was blessed to have those moments
But why is it killing me from inside Why do I have this gut-wrenching feeling constantly Mind says to stay sane And the heart cries for no reason
And sometimes there’s just this buzz Where I am lost amidst all this darkness Lives go on around me But my life seems to be at a standstill
Hypothetically I am moving With opportunities so great, I never imagined But how do I get away from feeling not good enough Everyone around me shines so brightly
And I buffer and stutter I am not quick enough Is it really me or am I being fake now Do I really have to get on the top?
I had dreams so big but now they scare me The mere thought of being up there With people of caliber much greater than mine Or am I being too self-critical
They say I will learn That’s how everyone grows So many people have faith in me And that pushes me deeper under pressure
I have to get up and be myself again This cooping up in misery shall not remain But sometimes it just hurts so bad Lying in pain which I can’t explain
I think explanation would hurt even more That’s why I want to avoid it But all this running away is taking up my stamina And stamina is something I never built
But I have to run and it’s a marathon I have to care first for myself I know I am not great, but let’s start with good Good, better, best are just neighbours right?
These days I have too much on my plate, in a good way. I am just not sure that I have enough appetite to relish all the delicacies. It seems like if my guardian angels existed, they have decided to work overtime and make sure I have every door open for me. The fairies in which I believe, might not even exist in this real world. But isn’t it better to live in an imaginary world and be at peace instead of validating the harsh reality we feel every day?
My favourite artists always describe how much satisfaction they feel after touching people’s lives with their art. He once said, that even if just one person feels happier because of our art, their job is done. It was at that moment I started thinking about how it must feel to be the center of so much positive attention. It may even feel fake at times. And to think about the amount of hard work and passion that goes into that kind of achievement, it all seems insurmountable. After all the hard work, if only one person is there to appreciate me, would I really be satisfied?
Coming back to passion, there are moments when I dream about too much at just one moment. One second I am sitting at my desk, working on those boring assignments, and another second, I am flying freely at great heights. Inside those dreams are people who are cheering for me. People who truly love me. And people whom I love unconditionally. There are adventures, power moves, and beautiful places and everything shines so brightly.
The imaginary girl inside my head is too smart to be cheated by anyone. She thinks, with her determination only, she can achieve anything she wants. She is the most beautiful person inside and out. But the moment I step out of my imaginary world, I am just an ordinary person with ordinary flaws. I am not the ideal daughter that I always dreamt of. Sometimes I am too emotional to practically judge a situation. More often than not, I believe that the people I am smiling with are good. Until one of them shatters my heart into pieces once again. And I always come back here to collect the pieces and put them back in place.
I recently stumbled upon a readers’ block. I had started a new job and it required me to travel three to three and half hours daily. On top of that the work there was really hectic and I only got one day off per week. And as anyone would expect, I spent that one day just sleeping and eating. But I missed books badly.
I would never have imagined that I would be here in next 4-5 years in the past. And it is certainly incomprehensible that where I would be in next 5 years. That’s the thing about me, I never had a plan. And I don’t think I would ever make one in the future too. Yes the idea of having a plan or long term goal is tempting and admirable. But I don’t think I can ever go by a plan. A slightest shift in the mood or atmosphere of the room leads to change in my choices! I can choose to do most random and unnecessary things if I feel like doing them. As long as I am happy. Even while writing this I am weighed down by the idea of how privileged I am. I don’t have to live through the uncertainty of having food on the table for next meal, or I don’t have worry about paying rent or bills. Luckily enough there are people around me to keep me safe and secure. And plan for my basic necessities.
Apart from these, there are things that make me anxious sometimes. Like would I be at a better place or am I living the happiest moments of my life right now. Is life always going to be this favourable to me or would I have to endure the pain that I can’t even imagine yet. Yeah I have my fair share of hardships and sometimes I may cry a bucket because of them but deep down I know how minuscule my problems are. I haven’t seen much of this world but sometimes I can’t even understand how people carry so much strength in their hearts to carry those heavy burdens that life brings along. Maybe I will become like them someday and lose my sensitivity in order to carry on with life. Sometimes this thought is enough to make me anxious. That I may change and stop feeling those smallest feelings of happiness, anger, sadness or warmth that radiates out of nice people.
It would be ridiculous to admit but yes I want to make a lot of money. I may sound materialistic but yes I have known about this world enough to understand that money can solve many problems. I can be kinder to people if I have enough money. Yes, you do not have to be rich to be kind but when a person has to face adversities in their own life, kindness may take a backseat. Of course it will be highly appreciated if humans can be kind nonetheless but such cases are rare. And I am afraid I will not be among those rare people. I want to be powerful in order to live life on my principles and money is one of the tools to achieve that. So yeah, only plan I have is to make money. Rest of my future is filled with uncertainities which brings along anxious nights. And at those nights the only comfort I have is that I work hard. I try to work hard every day in order to leave no regrets for my future and to have fewer of those anxious nights!
You realize the importance of Saturdays only after having a tough week. During Lockdown weekends lost their value because there were no hectic schedules during whole weeks. And then we say what would I not give to live my life like its a holiday. But we often forget to thank those hectic days who gave way to this immense joy that weekend brings along.
I admit Lockdown was a bliss for introverts like me. Those endless days without any plan or schedule and without any unnecessary obligations towards people were like heaven. We could stay home without feeling guilty for cancelling plans. And yes I did so many things for myself and felt great. But after some time there was a constant nudging in my heart that is this right way to live life. Having everything easy may sound and feel really tempting but there is no other joy greater than conquering your biggest fears. Overcoming your weaknesses gives way to not only a better person but also to immense relief. That I can handle all this and maybe things worse than this.
That’s why saturdays are so good. You can enjoy a laid back day on top of that constant happiness. That I handled all this or maybe just finished this week and made it to this one good day. We don’t know how many bad days are ahead of us but at least we got this weekend. And don’t you think it’s a blessing to even have one such day .
So how can we define happiness when it can be felt from a tiniest gesture but not from the greatest successes. When a smile can make your day but all the money in the world can’t do the same certainly.
That jittery feeling in your heart when you think nothing can ever top this is maybe happiness. Or even an extra slice of pizza may be happiness. Or the case when someone praises you for something you did without any expectations maybe happiness. The fact that whatever you do is not worthless is enough to make us happy while at the same time pushing us towards our goals.
I realized early on that I am perhaps an overly sensitive person. It has many downsides, like getting disappointed real soon or sometimes getting hurt even when it was not worth noticing. I observe too much and can guess the mood of the room seconds within entering it. But along with many downsides, being sensitive is a gift too. Like I can get really happy with your smallest gesture. Just give me an extra chocolate and I will be ready to share my whole dinner with you. And I will be happiest to do so. Even when a squirrel walks with me while entering the college, it makes me happy maybe for a brief moment but I am always grateful that I get to feel it. Though I am a bit afraid of animals but seeing them playing around makes my heart feel content. When the wind blows against the direction of my face and I don’t have to brush my hair back every second, I feel good. And seeing those leftover balloons from birthday parties lying in the corner of my room are so cute. I always love seeing them as I enter my room and feel good. Or the thing is I have never experienced the joy of bursting them since I am too afraid of it. So I always keep them till the gas inside them diffuses in the air and they are left with nothing. Sometimes I draw on them and they look like funny little faces and make me laugh.
Meeting my friends and family after a long time is so heartwarming. And those hugs, a part of my heart always longs for them. And all those stupid jokes get me laughing till my jaw hurts and eyes are fogged up with stupid tears. Tears have a deep connection with me. Or maybe they love me too much. Maybe that’s why they come to me more often. I love when I can act all silly and make my people laugh and not feel judged at all. In fact I feel a bit proud when I do so. I guess a lot of things make me happy. The list of foods that can turn me into a loyal friend is endless. But first you have to make me comfortable enough to have food with you. Yeah it’s a bit disappointing, thinking all the good food I could have enjoyed had I been more comfortable around people. But I have my boundaries and I love them more.
I love when the fictional character I am rooting for achieves their goal. I don’t know why I feel all giddy when they are celebrating their happiness after enduring all the hardships. Maybe that gives me hope. The hope that I can be happy too and instantly I find my happiness. In those tiny moments. When the world seems to be revolving around me and my books. And all I have to do is smile when I feel happy and cry when I am sad. And rest of the work is done by all those amazing writers.
And when my favourite music band succeeds, I feel a part of my heart leaping in joy. I feel butterflies in my stomach, when the winners are soon to be announced and what follows then is relief. Relief that they won despite all the hardships. And in that relief I feel happy. Happy that I rooted for them,followed them and always loved them.
From relief, I remember all those times after exams or presentations are over. And yes, of course, that relief does not come after every exam and presentation. But when I try my best, it comes and makes me happy and content. And then comes the free time when nothing is there on schedule. And I assume everyone loves a little break. So do I and lying on my bed watching my favourite series is the best thing to do on such days sometimes.
This list of things that make me happy may go on forever. Even while writing down all these nice things I am smiling. Of course there is a long list of things that make me sad too. But I believe you can always make the list of happiness a little longer and that will be enough to nullify all the sadness.
Librocubicularist soul 