A cyclone of emotions rushing through my mind
When the sun rises but you are in no hurry.
When all the birds are chirping but you have no worry.
When the whole world is running at full speed but you are just sitting at your rest stop.
When even earth is spinning to complete it’s rotation to reach the night.
What a gift it is to just sit on our bed holding your blanket tight.
Taking in all the beauty this moment holds trapped in the rays of sunlight
Oh what a bliss these mornings are when everything is alright!
I would never have imagined that I would be here in next 4-5 years in the past. And it is certainly incomprehensible that where I would be in next 5 years. That’s the thing about me, I never had a plan. And I don’t think I would ever make one in the future too. Yes the idea of having a plan or long term goal is tempting and admirable. But I don’t think I can ever go by a plan. A slightest shift in the mood or atmosphere of the room leads to change in my choices! I can choose to do most random and unnecessary things if I feel like doing them. As long as I am happy. Even while writing this I am weighed down by the idea of how privileged I am. I don’t have to live through the uncertainty of having food on the table for next meal, or I don’t have worry about paying rent or bills. Luckily enough there are people around me to keep me safe and secure. And plan for my basic necessities.
Apart from these, there are things that make me anxious sometimes. Like would I be at a better place or am I living the happiest moments of my life right now. Is life always going to be this favourable to me or would I have to endure the pain that I can’t even imagine yet. Yeah I have my fair share of hardships and sometimes I may cry a bucket because of them but deep down I know how minuscule my problems are. I haven’t seen much of this world but sometimes I can’t even understand how people carry so much strength in their hearts to carry those heavy burdens that life brings along. Maybe I will become like them someday and lose my sensitivity in order to carry on with life. Sometimes this thought is enough to make me anxious. That I may change and stop feeling those smallest feelings of happiness, anger, sadness or warmth that radiates out of nice people.
It would be ridiculous to admit but yes I want to make a lot of money. I may sound materialistic but yes I have known about this world enough to understand that money can solve many problems. I can be kinder to people if I have enough money. Yes, you do not have to be rich to be kind but when a person has to face adversities in their own life, kindness may take a backseat. Of course it will be highly appreciated if humans can be kind nonetheless but such cases are rare. And I am afraid I will not be among those rare people. I want to be powerful in order to live life on my principles and money is one of the tools to achieve that. So yeah, only plan I have is to make money. Rest of my future is filled with uncertainities which brings along anxious nights. And at those nights the only comfort I have is that I work hard. I try to work hard every day in order to leave no regrets for my future and to have fewer of those anxious nights!
You realize the importance of Saturdays only after having a tough week. During Lockdown weekends lost their value because there were no hectic schedules during whole weeks. And then we say what would I not give to live my life like its a holiday. But we often forget to thank those hectic days who gave way to this immense joy that weekend brings along.
I admit Lockdown was a bliss for introverts like me. Those endless days without any plan or schedule and without any unnecessary obligations towards people were like heaven. We could stay home without feeling guilty for cancelling plans. And yes I did so many things for myself and felt great. But after some time there was a constant nudging in my heart that is this right way to live life. Having everything easy may sound and feel really tempting but there is no other joy greater than conquering your biggest fears. Overcoming your weaknesses gives way to not only a better person but also to immense relief. That I can handle all this and maybe things worse than this.
That’s why saturdays are so good. You can enjoy a laid back day on top of that constant happiness. That I handled all this or maybe just finished this week and made it to this one good day. We don’t know how many bad days are ahead of us but at least we got this weekend. And don’t you think it’s a blessing to even have one such day .
As the saying goes,” good things take time”,they take lots and lots of efforts too. Sometimes we may try to put all the effort at the beginning only and then get exhausted to try further. So should we not give it our all and just stay in our comfort zone. I guess that’s not true either. So we should just try to give it our best everyday but should not expect to get results in the same proportions. Even if we are barely managing to keep things working, that’s half the job done. Step by step things will get better and just one step forward is enough for the day.
So how can we define happiness when it can be felt from a tiniest gesture but not from the greatest successes. When a smile can make your day but all the money in the world can’t do the same certainly.
That jittery feeling in your heart when you think nothing can ever top this is maybe happiness. Or even an extra slice of pizza may be happiness. Or the case when someone praises you for something you did without any expectations maybe happiness. The fact that whatever you do is not worthless is enough to make us happy while at the same time pushing us towards our goals.
I realized early on that I am perhaps an overly sensitive person. It has many downsides, like getting disappointed real soon or sometimes getting hurt even when it was not worth noticing. I observe too much and can guess the mood of the room seconds within entering it. But along with many downsides, being sensitive is a gift too. Like I can get really happy with your smallest gesture. Just give me an extra chocolate and I will be ready to share my whole dinner with you. And I will be happiest to do so. Even when a squirrel walks with me while entering the college, it makes me happy maybe for a brief moment but I am always grateful that I get to feel it. Though I am a bit afraid of animals but seeing them playing around makes my heart feel content. When the wind blows against the direction of my face and I don’t have to brush my hair back every second, I feel good. And seeing those leftover balloons from birthday parties lying in the corner of my room are so cute. I always love seeing them as I enter my room and feel good. Or the thing is I have never experienced the joy of bursting them since I am too afraid of it. So I always keep them till the gas inside them diffuses in the air and they are left with nothing. Sometimes I draw on them and they look like funny little faces and make me laugh.
Meeting my friends and family after a long time is so heartwarming. And those hugs, a part of my heart always longs for them. And all those stupid jokes get me laughing till my jaw hurts and eyes are fogged up with stupid tears. Tears have a deep connection with me. Or maybe they love me too much. Maybe that’s why they come to me more often. I love when I can act all silly and make my people laugh and not feel judged at all. In fact I feel a bit proud when I do so. I guess a lot of things make me happy. The list of foods that can turn me into a loyal friend is endless. But first you have to make me comfortable enough to have food with you. Yeah it’s a bit disappointing, thinking all the good food I could have enjoyed had I been more comfortable around people. But I have my boundaries and I love them more.
I love when the fictional character I am rooting for achieves their goal. I don’t know why I feel all giddy when they are celebrating their happiness after enduring all the hardships. Maybe that gives me hope. The hope that I can be happy too and instantly I find my happiness. In those tiny moments. When the world seems to be revolving around me and my books. And all I have to do is smile when I feel happy and cry when I am sad. And rest of the work is done by all those amazing writers.
And when my favourite music band succeeds, I feel a part of my heart leaping in joy. I feel butterflies in my stomach, when the winners are soon to be announced and what follows then is relief. Relief that they won despite all the hardships. And in that relief I feel happy. Happy that I rooted for them,followed them and always loved them.
From relief, I remember all those times after exams or presentations are over. And yes, of course, that relief does not come after every exam and presentation. But when I try my best, it comes and makes me happy and content. And then comes the free time when nothing is there on schedule. And I assume everyone loves a little break. So do I and lying on my bed watching my favourite series is the best thing to do on such days sometimes.
This list of things that make me happy may go on forever. Even while writing down all these nice things I am smiling. Of course there is a long list of things that make me sad too. But I believe you can always make the list of happiness a little longer and that will be enough to nullify all the sadness.
I am immensely amazed by the books which can make me cry my heart out. The reason being that there are so few of them! I have great amount of respect for the writers who can bring out our emotions just by their words which may be fictional at times.
But when I look back at the books which made me cry,neither the situations in those books were that unique nor did the characters stand out too much. They were just like the situations we see in news or hear from varied sources in our daily lives. The characters sometimes were overly good but that was not the case with the books that made me emotional.
What I find surprising is that whenever we hear about mass bombings or anything tragedic in news, we may feel sorry for people but it is just a fleeting emotion. But these stories manage to break a piece of our hearts forever.
Indeed, we are really complex beings. We need whole 200-300 pages to feel the pain of strangers to cry but only a tear in the eyes of our loved ones is enough . This made me wonder, what would happen if that was not the case. If we could feel the pain of strangers the same way.
Of course, that would have lead to a world free of crime and evil things. But that world would be miserable too. Because if we could feel the pain of the whole world, how would we live. How would we laugh easily, knowing that somewhere a person is mourning the loss of their loved ones or somewhere a person has no food nor home. I think that’s why the God or whomsoever created this world, gave humans the gift of ignorance. Because if we cannot ignore the vast amount of pain in this world, we simply can’t live. That’s why intelligent people are the ones who are relatively more sad. Because they know too much about this hopeless world.
But again, what this world needs the most right now is empathy. Ignorance is a bliss and I agree with it but it would be great if we could reach a middle ground. If we can feel enough pain to help others within our capabilities. And if we can have enough ignorance to not let all this sadness affect us. That would have been a perfect recipe for a nice person but then again, not all people can be great cooks.
I cried so many times with this song as bgm.
Then why does it bring so much comfort to me. Maybe it’s like those bittersweet memories of childhood, where I got hurt but always had someone to comfort me. Maybe it’s like home. Like that comforting pat on the back which tells me everything is gonna be alright. I am happy that I can remember this beautiful song like this. Because when I was all alone crying, only it was there. My home away from home.
Amid all this chaos, normally termed as life, can we really find what we are searching for. When will I find my path and how will I know that its the one. Why cannot life be less chaotic.
The thing is the inner self you are born with cannot be changed completely. And when this whole world tries to mold you into a certain ideal individual, the chaos inside your mind becomes overpowering. Should I really let this world win or should I fight.
And what good will come out of fighting when there is nobody to celebrate my win. But if I lose, how will I keep my peace of mind. What is the use of celebrating a victory with hundreds of people with a conflicted mind? So should I still pretend to be a sociable, always smiling sort of person or just let everyone go. They say you need people in your life at every step. You should socialize to maintain good relationships as you never know when you will need someone. But what if I still believe in the goodness of people. What if, I still feel people are not things which you can use by paying the price called socializing. N what if I do not want to indulge in anything which does not concern me truly and deeply.
When I still want to help anyone just because I can, why should I be forced to socialise to get the same treatment. They say what goes around comes around, then should I stay the same. Should I try living life on my own terms and will it really come around. Ahha that was the whole point I guess. It’s the fear rising from all this chaos. The fear of not getting what you give. But that’s so stupid. Because I also believe that while giving, you should not expect anything in return. Or maybe it is the fear of being judged. If I don’t smile enough, they may think I am rude. If I don’t talk enough, I may be perceived as too dull or boring, when in reality I am having such interesting conversations in my head. Alas, this thing called communication is really fucked up. It gives rise to all this chaos. Words or no words, everything can be judged as wished by the perceiver. But it’s communication only which unites us as whole and can clear all this chaos. Maybe one day humans can invent, an easier way to communicate. When you can truly know what’s going on in each other’s mind without those fake smiles and small talk. Where we can truly find silences more comforting than constant noise that surrounds us amidst a bunch full of strangers. Personally I would love to go out in a world where you can be silent as long as you wish and not be in constant fear of being judged. When your mind is not in a rush to find words to fill those silences instead it can truly embrace the moment in its full glory before it becomes history. Because time passes more quickly when it’s chaotic out there and it’s a waste to not live fully in the limited lifespan we have got.
How are we not supposed to feel gloomy on days like this when even sky is fogged up coz of it’s distance from the sun. But winters are still good because we have people or things around us which act like our little sources of warmth. This is proof that although nature is lot more powerful than us, it is still inferior. Because it needs to be constantly near it’s sun to not fog up. But for us humans, even memories have the capacity to warm us up from the inside. We have a timeless tool called emotions which universe does not possess.
But yeah, the kind of cold nature has to bear is beyond our imagination. Even we humans tear up while missing our happy places. So how can we expect nature to be completely fine at all times. And while we can talk to our loved ones, all it can do is to stare at the vast distance from the sun. Or maybe it has a communication method we are unaware of. Still, I wish I could give a warm hug to the nature to melt away all its cold while it patiently waits for its sun.
And if it’s alright for nature to cry in moments of hardships, who are we humans to judge people for crying. Because after all those foggy days only, we can experience the peace that sunlight brings along. Because all that pain and crying is what makes the process beautiful.If nature’s tears can be as beautiful as snow,fog and rain, why are ours ugly. Or maybe beauty really lies in the eyes of beholder.
When air seems too heavy to inhale,
When the body seems too weak
You just have to find peace again
And take in some deeper breaths.
When the world seems too dark
And the lights keep getting dimmer
We have to look at the stars
Coz, no matter what they shimmer
The memories of tranquility
The stories of our stupidity
That laughter and that pain
All we did was to gain
And when you start to lose
We should buckle up our shoes
Coz its never too late
And we can always stare ahead.
The stars will guide us
And the stars will smile with us
Coz when we can’t breathe
They are still trying for us.
Librocubicularist soul 