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Saturdays

You realize the importance of Saturdays only after having a tough week. During Lockdown weekends lost their value because there were no hectic schedules during whole weeks. And then we say what would I not give to live my life like its a holiday. But we often forget to thank those hectic days who gave way to this immense joy that weekend brings along.

I admit Lockdown was a bliss for introverts like me. Those endless days without any plan or schedule and without any unnecessary obligations towards people were like heaven. We could stay home without feeling guilty for cancelling plans. And yes I did so many things for myself and felt great. But after some time there was a constant nudging in my heart that is this right way to live life. Having everything easy may sound and feel really tempting but there is no other joy greater than conquering your biggest fears. Overcoming your weaknesses gives way to not only a better person but also to immense relief. That I can handle all this and maybe things worse than this.

That’s why saturdays are so good. You can enjoy a laid back day on top of that constant happiness. That I handled all this or maybe just finished this week and made it to this one good day. We don’t know how many bad days are ahead of us but at least we got this weekend. And don’t you think it’s a blessing to even have one such day .

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One step at a time

As the saying goes,” good things take time”,they take lots and lots of efforts too. Sometimes we may try to put all the effort at the beginning only and then get exhausted to try further. So should we not give it our all and just stay in our comfort zone. I guess that’s not true either. So we should just try to give it our best everyday but should not expect to get results in the same proportions. Even if we are barely managing to keep things working, that’s half the job done. Step by step things will get better and just one step forward is enough for the day.

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All the happiness in my world

So how can we define happiness when it can be felt from a tiniest gesture but not from the greatest successes. When a smile can make your day but all the money in the world can’t do the same certainly.

That jittery feeling in your heart when you think nothing can ever top this is maybe happiness. Or even an extra slice of pizza may be happiness. Or the case when someone praises you for something you did without any expectations maybe happiness. The fact that whatever you do is not worthless is enough to make us happy while at the same time pushing us towards our goals.

I realized early on that I am perhaps an overly sensitive person. It has many downsides, like getting disappointed real soon or sometimes getting hurt even when it was not worth noticing. I observe too much and can guess the mood of the room seconds within entering it. But along with many downsides, being sensitive is a gift too. Like I can get really happy with your smallest gesture. Just give me an extra chocolate and I will be ready to share my whole dinner with you. And I will be happiest to do so. Even when a squirrel walks with me while entering the college, it makes me happy maybe for a brief moment but I am always grateful that I get to feel it. Though I am a bit afraid of animals but seeing them playing around makes my heart feel content. When the wind blows against the direction of my face and I don’t have to brush my hair back every second, I feel good. And seeing those leftover balloons from birthday parties lying in the corner of my room are so cute. I always love seeing them as I enter my room and feel good. Or the thing is I have never experienced the joy of bursting them since I am too afraid of it. So I always keep them till the gas inside them diffuses in the air and they are left with nothing. Sometimes I draw on them and they look like funny little faces and make me laugh.

Meeting my friends and family after a long time is so heartwarming. And those hugs, a part of my heart always longs for them. And all those stupid jokes get me laughing till my jaw hurts and eyes are fogged up with stupid tears. Tears have a deep connection with me. Or maybe they love me too much. Maybe that’s why they come to me more often. I love when I can act all silly and make my people laugh and not feel judged at all. In fact I feel a bit proud when I do so. I guess a lot of things make me happy. The list of foods that can turn me into a loyal friend is endless. But first you have to make me comfortable enough to have food with you. Yeah it’s a bit disappointing, thinking all the good food I could have enjoyed had I been more comfortable around people. But I have my boundaries and I love them more.

I love when the fictional character I am rooting for achieves their goal. I don’t know why I feel all giddy when they are celebrating their happiness after enduring all the hardships. Maybe that gives me hope. The hope that I can be happy too and instantly I find my happiness. In those tiny moments. When the world seems to be revolving around me and my books. And all I have to do is smile when I feel happy and cry when I am sad. And rest of the work is done by all those amazing writers.

And when my favourite music band succeeds, I feel a part of my heart leaping in joy. I feel butterflies in my stomach, when the winners are soon to be announced and what follows then is relief. Relief that they won despite all the hardships. And in that relief I feel happy. Happy that I rooted for them,followed them and always loved them.

From relief, I remember all those times after exams or presentations are over. And yes, of course, that relief does not come after every exam and presentation. But when I try my best, it comes and makes me happy and content. And then comes the free time when nothing is there on schedule. And I assume everyone loves a little break. So do I and lying on my bed watching my favourite series is the best thing to do on such days sometimes.

This list of things that make me happy may go on forever. Even while writing down all these nice things I am smiling. Of course there is a long list of things that make me sad too. But I believe you can always make the list of happiness a little longer and that will be enough to nullify all the sadness.

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The emotional dilemma

I am immensely amazed by the books which can make me cry my heart out. The reason being that there are so few of them! I have great amount of respect for the writers who can bring out our emotions just by their words which may be fictional at times.

But when I look back at the books which made me cry,neither the situations in those books were that unique nor did the characters stand out too much. They were just like the situations we see in news or hear from varied sources in our daily lives. The characters sometimes were overly good but that was not the case with the books that made me emotional.

What I find surprising is that whenever we hear about mass bombings or anything tragedic in news, we may feel sorry for people but it is just a fleeting emotion. But these stories manage to break a piece of our hearts forever.

Indeed, we are really complex beings. We need whole 200-300 pages to feel the pain of strangers to cry but only a tear in the eyes of our loved ones is enough . This made me wonder, what would happen if that was not the case. If we could feel the pain of strangers the same way.

Of course, that would have lead to a world free of crime and evil things. But that world would be miserable too. Because if we could feel the pain of the whole world, how would we live. How would we laugh easily, knowing that somewhere a person is mourning the loss of their loved ones or somewhere a person has no food nor home. I think that’s why the God or whomsoever created this world, gave humans the gift of ignorance. Because if we cannot ignore the vast amount of pain in this world, we simply can’t live. That’s why intelligent people are the ones who are relatively more sad. Because they know too much about this hopeless world.

But again, what this world needs the most right now is empathy. Ignorance is a bliss and I agree with it but it would be great if we could reach a middle ground. If we can feel enough pain to help others within our capabilities. And if we can have enough ignorance to not let all this sadness affect us. That would have been a perfect recipe for a nice person but then again, not all people can be great cooks.

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Comfort

I cried so many times with this song as bgm.

Then why does it bring so much comfort to me. Maybe it’s like those bittersweet memories of childhood, where I got hurt but always had someone to comfort me. Maybe it’s like home. Like that comforting pat on the back which tells me everything is gonna be alright. I am happy that I can remember this beautiful song like this. Because when I was all alone crying, only it was there. My home away from home.

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Chaos

Amid all this chaos, normally termed as life, can we really find what we are searching for. When will I find my path and how will I know that its the one. Why cannot life be less chaotic.

The thing is the inner self you are born with cannot be changed completely. And when this whole world tries to mold you into a certain ideal individual, the chaos inside your mind becomes overpowering. Should I really let this world win or should I fight.

And what good will come out of fighting when there is nobody to celebrate my win. But if I lose, how will I keep my peace of mind. What is the use of celebrating a victory with hundreds of people with a conflicted mind? So should I still pretend to be a sociable, always smiling sort of person or just let everyone go. They say you need people in your life at every step. You should socialize to maintain good relationships as you never know when you will need someone. But what if I still believe in the goodness of people. What if, I still feel people are not things which you can use by paying the price called socializing. N what if I do not want to indulge in anything which does not concern me truly and deeply.

When I still want to help anyone just because I can, why should I be forced to socialise to get the same treatment. They say what goes around comes around, then should I stay the same. Should I try living life on my own terms and will it really come around. Ahha that was the whole point I guess. It’s the fear rising from all this chaos. The fear of not getting what you give. But that’s so stupid. Because I also believe that while giving, you should not expect anything in return. Or maybe it is the fear of being judged. If I don’t smile enough, they may think I am rude. If I don’t talk enough, I may be perceived as too dull or boring, when in reality I am having such interesting conversations in my head. Alas, this thing called communication is really fucked up. It gives rise to all this chaos. Words or no words, everything can be judged as wished by the perceiver. But it’s communication only which unites us as whole and can clear all this chaos. Maybe one day humans can invent, an easier way to communicate. When you can truly know what’s going on in each other’s mind without those fake smiles and small talk. Where we can truly find silences more comforting than constant noise that surrounds us amidst a bunch full of strangers. Personally I would love to go out in a world where you can be silent as long as you wish and not be in constant fear of being judged. When your mind is not in a rush to find words to fill those silences instead it can truly embrace the moment in its full glory before it becomes history. Because time passes more quickly when it’s chaotic out there and it’s a waste to not live fully in the limited lifespan we have got.

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Winters

How are we not supposed to feel gloomy on days like this when even sky is fogged up coz of it’s distance from the sun. But winters are still good because we have people or things around us which act like our little sources of warmth. This is proof that although nature is lot more powerful than us, it is still inferior. Because it needs to be constantly near it’s sun to not fog up. But for us humans, even memories have the capacity to warm us up from the inside. We have a timeless tool called emotions which universe does not possess.

But yeah, the kind of cold nature has to bear is beyond our imagination. Even we humans tear up while missing our happy places. So how can we expect nature to be completely fine at all times. And while we can talk to our loved ones, all it can do is to stare at the vast distance from the sun. Or maybe it has a communication method we are unaware of. Still, I wish I could give a warm hug to the nature to melt away all its cold while it patiently waits for its sun.

And if it’s alright for nature to cry in moments of hardships, who are we humans to judge people for crying. Because after all those foggy days only, we can experience the peace that sunlight brings along. Because all that pain and crying is what makes the process beautiful.If nature’s tears can be as beautiful as snow,fog and rain, why are ours ugly. Or maybe beauty really lies in the eyes of beholder.

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    And when you can’t breathe.

    When air seems too heavy to inhale,

    When the body seems too weak

    You just have to find peace again

    And take in some deeper breaths.

    When the world seems too dark

    And the lights keep getting dimmer

    We have to look at the stars

    Coz, no matter what they shimmer

    The memories of tranquility

    The stories of our stupidity

    That laughter and that pain

    All we did was to gain

    And when you start to lose

    We should buckle up our shoes

    Coz its never too late

    And we can always stare ahead.

    The stars will guide us

    And the stars will smile with us

    Coz when we can’t breathe

    They are still trying for us.

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    A simple world

    Not like fairytales

    Where prince saves the princess

    Where angels exist in reality

    And there is no disparity

    Not like the ideal world

    Where happiness has no prices

    Which is free from cruelty

    And far away from reality

    All I want is a simple world

    Where you can live without being judged

    And no one path mingles with the other

    Where your happiness doesn’t affect others

    Where road towards being a good person is not so twisted

    A world which I believed in as a child

    Where either you are good or bad

    And nobody is so mad

    About life being so bad

    All I want is a simple world

    Where you know the road to goodness

    Where hardships come with solutions

    Where everyone is supported regardless

    And no one dwells homeless.

    A world where we feel pain

    The pain which is not ours only

    And no one feels lonely.

    Because everyone feels homely

    A world like those mathematics equations

    Where everything is possible if you know the relations

    Where along with variables, there are constants

    And those constants don’t change with situations.

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    The Never Ending Debate..

    I am a really gullible person. I don’t think I can ever become a judge or lawyer because I tend to believe what anyone says. I want to understand the emotions behind every action and try to justify everything. This was really frustrating sometimes and I used to think of myself as if I am the lesser one than others because of this. But I read somewhere that taking long time to make a decision does not make one cowardly or bad. It may be just that he/she is trying to judge more deeply and sincerely based on his/her beliefs. That was comforting atleast, if not true.

    Well as I have grown up to a certain extent now, I have matured slightly and have given up on this understanding thing. No it doesn’t mean that I don’t try to find everyone’s reasons but I know now that it can be mentally exhausting. Sometimes people are as they are and there is no particular reason behind their actions.

    But now I try to understand my thoughts more clearly and now too I cannot come to a decision easily. I am fairly quick in making decisions like what to eat, career choices and all that. I don’t think too much about them and let my heart take the decisions. But when it comes to making ethical decisions like religion, vegetarianism or animal welfare, I feel like I am struck between two sides of the story.

    Earlier when I was in my school, I had certain preconceptions and was much clearer about these things. Like religions are good, we do everything like eating meat to survive and that’s how we are built. One day I came home and even discussed this with my mum. I told her that plants are living too and there are bacteria in curd etc., the classic excuses for non vegetarian people. I think I was too young then and was fascinated by the idea of trying new foods. But now that I think about it, I am thankful that my family has been vegetarian from start.

    What my mum told me that day got stuck in my head and I was in the same dilemma again. She said that yeah plants have lives too and it may be possible that they are feeling pain but they are the least we can eat to survive. Even scientists say that plants do not have emotions comparable to animals. Animals feel that sense of togetherness that we feel with our friends and I would never let someone treat my friends or family the same way as those animals. The mere idea is horrifying.

    So I thought that I had come to a conclusion and now I can rest. But then again how can a person like me have her mind at rest. Again some things happen and again I am standing at the fork of the two roads. For example many of my friends are non vegetarians and they are some of the nicest people I have ever met. Ethically so correct that I had to question myself again. Then whenever you go to twitter you are always bound to see two sides of the story. People are claiming that we are omnivores and vegetarianism may lead to ecological imbalance and much more.

    But as I had said that I have matured slightly now and I think it is us humans who are causing ecological imbalance by farming animals like plants. Of course agriculture also leads to deforestation and pollution but it is much lesser than animal husbandry. So, at last I came to conclusion that we humans were born with a really wicked fate. We are destined to sin in order to survive and we have to live on other species’ pain. But if I have a choice between two sins, I will always choose the less painful one. And hence here I am, a proud vegetarian and an aspiring vegan. My thoughts may stirr again and I may have to think about it again ,then I may understand my non vegetarian friends’ choices, but I will never give up on vegetarianism. Because I wish to cause as minimum damage as possible to this earth.

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